Nobody’s Perfect

A year ago in June I sent my mother an email. I also sent it to two boy I dearly loved because they both had the right to know all of this… But one of the boys’ ex girlfriend knew his email password and logged in to his email and forward my email to herself. Yesterday the girl and her friends threatened saying they would put out the email. I’m guessing she’s been keeping this for a great moment. Both the two boys stopped her from doing it. Whenever we would get into arguments  she’d always throw something from the email in my face. Well here’s the email I sent to my mum (who’s really my aunt that took me in). It’s truly sad that I have to explain myself, but it’s also relieving that I know a few girls can relate and will learn something from this. If you can’t handle my fucked up childhood then go turn on the disney channel.  Here’s the email - word for word. 

SUBJECT: READ ALONE IN YOUR ROOM 

Confessions of a Lonely Girl;

I wrote a poem called Young Hoe. It’s a piece to my puzzle. Here it goes:

Don’t think I’m sick, I’m just a young girl who got taken up quick

I’m not like my mother, who did shit for a profit

Instead I got turned into an object

"Objection your Honor, this girl is only 12" Judge says "GO ON"

Well ever since I was a little girl all I knew about was sex 

I guess my parents sexing in front of my innocents eyes was never a threat

& I guess neither was waking up in the middle of the night in a sweat, imagining sex sex sex 

Learning how to masturbate, because of what I saw

Not realizing what I was actually doing to my body 

I never really understood

Til I got around 12 & started to get wet 

So there I was about to do something I would later on in life regret

Getting boys attention with my little breast out, skirts right below my ass

You see my mother never raised me on class

& thanks to her putting men in front of me, I became out of control

DONE. 

That poem, said it all. I remember when I was a little girl I use to just rub all over my private part to make me sleepy. I never knew why. I remember one day at Aunt Jo D’s house, I was laying on my cot & I woke up to me not only rubbing my private part but Aunt Jo D’s staring at me with a confused look on her face. She never confronted me, she never asked me about it after she saw me. I guess she thought it wasn’t a big deal. When I was younger, I would play house with my younger cousins & when we played we acted out everything. Sex to us was dry humping. We would kiss & lay on each other & eventually get caught by George. One time my dad caught Keenan & me playing house. My dad made me stand in the corner so clearly he knew what I was doing was wrong. This all happen before I moved out here in 2002. 

I moved to Texas in 2002-2003 & I still rubbed on my private part but I would never play house with Taylor or Josh. That year I would go down to my dad’s room around 2am & I would notice how he had music on & his door was locked. I knew a girl was in there & I would get furious. Sometimes I would bang on the door & just run upstair or sometimes I would cry at the door & then go upstairs. As I would hear the music, my imagination went spinning. I would get mad & hurt & JEALOUS. Looking back, the jealousy part really freaks me out. I would hate every person my mother & father would bring around. I have no idea why, but I was jealous. I remember one time I walked in the room & my dad & Charles’ sister were laying down next to each other & I ran to you & said they were having sex. Something in me said they were having sex. BUT they weren’t. I could never figure out why I ran to you & lied & said that. 

I moved back to Los Angeles in 2003 to find my mother engaged to a man name Ted. I didn’t like him. Since the day I met him he always had something smart to say & he thought he knew everything. The whole family liked him, I was jealous. We would always do what Ted wanted to. In 5th grade, grandma’s house got broken into & she felt the need to move to OC with her daughter. In 4th grade we moved into an apartment on Kelso Street, & things got worse. Ted & I would always argue, they made me clean the whole house. One of them was always at work but at night they were both home. I remember walking into  my mom’s room one night to ask her a question & Ted was under the covers. Just eating her out & she was just talking to me like it was nothing. I got a sickening feeling in my stomach. I just walked out her room & started hating her. One night I heard music, they’re were playing music loud as hell & it woke me up & I would just hear my mom moaning & I got up & threw a shoe at their door & went to my bed. My mom came smelling horrible & laid down next to me. I don’t remember what she said to me but I know it was all sweet talk. A couple months after that, I walked in the living room & mugged Ted. My mom flew up & slammed my body against the front door. Her forearm against my throat. I started spitting up, I remember her yelling at me “If you throw up Ima make you clean it up with your mouth” So I tried my hardest to stop spitting up. I walked over to my mom on the couch & Ted told me “Your mother will always put me before you” & I sat there & turned to her & started screaming with tears coming out of my eyes. My mom was my hero, I thought she was the most beautiful women in the world, but after that night I was on a  “FUCK THAT BITCH” thought process. Later that night when he was in the shower she came in my room & I asked her if she really put him before me & she WHISPERED “no” very quietly. 

After the night things weren’t the same. I snuck boys in the house, had 6 different little “boyfriends” & at one point got caught. I graduated from 5th grade & my mother told me I was moving into Brandee’s house for 6th grade. I didn’t lose my virginity until August of 6th grade.  I was 12 & the guy was 16. I was in Orange County at the family share. Adriana was there & never stopped me, by all means it wasn’t her fault. I take responsibility for everything i did, but I believe I could have had guidance somewhere in there. 

When I moved into Brandee’s house, I realized I wasn’t the only one who was boy crazy. Brandee was more boy crazier than me. We always would be on the phone with dudes, had myspaces. I wasn’t suppose to have a myspace but I had one anyway. My mom got pissed out & wouldn’t speak to me for months even though I was living in Auntie Bianca’s household. She would come over & just be short with me.  I then was on a “FUCK THAT BITCH” thought process. Brandee & I would go to all the football practices just to flirt with football players. Thirsty little girls. I figured if I didn’t get the love from my mother or father I would get it from a nigga, like I saw in movies. 

But the only niggas that would messed with me were older niggas & they only wanted one thing. I thought they would love me, but they ended up just being as thirsty as me. 

I wrote poem called Lonely 1/ 106, another piece to my puzzle.

I feel so lonely so let me text every nigga but mine,

Let me act slutty so everybody but mine can call me fine, 

Attention is what I need, I want him to want me… Me & only dyme.

To reply to my text, he takes too much time not enough from his time,

& we know what may be 9 minutes feels like 9 months,

Especially when they truly stay on your mind all the time. 

All the I love you lines don’t make up for the all the lonely times,

I feel so lonely, I wanna talk to you,I don’t wanna bug you though,

So let me go to another nigga, I’m really craving love& mo’.

I feel so lonely so let me act out like a whore,

Go to every door, except yours.

I’m scared you don’t want me there, I never seem to be assure,

I feel so lonely, when I call… what if I get ignored,

You don’t hear me when I’m really crying out, so won’t ever be any missed calls.

Don’t worry your homeboys will get all your recalls,

No no no, what the fuck,

Thanks conscience for stepping in?!

Tell me something where the fuck you been?

Why the fuck did you almost let misogyny come within? 

You know she likes to trick us lonely women into committing sin.

I moved back out here in the middle of 7th grade. It was January. In february I met Alisa & went to her house that weekend, I ended up having sex with her cousin, Elgin Charles’s son Frank. Then 8 months later Junn came over the house & I ended up having sex with him. You asked me if I used a condom I said yes, but I lied. That’s is who I got Chlamydia from. I told you I got it from Chris who gave me head but me & Chris only had sex, with a condom. 

Before we went to the gynecologist, I knew I had something. I told you I thought I had a yeast infection, but I knew it was a STD. I just didn’t know what kind. I didn’t feel like hiding that from you. When you got that call saying I had chlamydia you were heated but in my head it everything came around. Like my whole life previewed in my head & it all boiled down to me being a thirsty girl & acting out because she wanted love.  

No one really realizes why I truly hate my mom. It is because she left in hanging out in the world, clueless. I chased after boys & got my ass caught up. I could blame my dad, but i watched my mom hoe around all my life, & at first I saw nothing wrong with it. When Ted told me she would always put him before me, I thought Ima be just like my mom but better. I moved out here with that mentality & hated her. I hated myself. I was a HOE. A straight HOE. But a year or two living here, with you & my brothers & my dad (JOE)   I realized I was loved. But it was too late. I had already had sex with Frank & Junn. I regret it. 

Lately I’ve been told, I’m looking awfully skinny & I noticed a couple months ago that my face was getting white. These headache are horrible & I have sores in my mouth. The beginning of my sophomore year I thought to myself “I have HIV” & I’ve been thinking that. But the more you love me, the HARDER I love you. Your cancer had been getting worst during sophomore year & thats when I told myself I would wait till I’m 18 to go get tested so YOU or UNCLE JOEY or GRANDMA wouldn’t have to pay for shit because this is my problem. 

The cuts on my arms all boil down to me being a hoe. I told myself I would never become like my mother but I did & I hate myself for that. It haunts me every day of my life. I believe Im a demon baby & something is truly wrong with me because as you read ever since I was younger Sex has been in me. I’m telling you now because I can’t hurt you anymore than this has already. 

I’ve become depressed. I’ve been cutting non-stop. I try to kill myself every other day, but I don’t. 

Because that would be selfish, I thought not telling you would be selfless but if I die today or tomorrow… not telling you would be selfish. 

I just wanna get tested, but PLEASE don’t judge me :( i’m so sorry, 

I never meant to hurt anyone & now you know why I can’t forgive that STUPID BITCH who abandoned me as a child. why when I say “I love you” to her I can never mean it, because she has caused so much difficulty to my life. 

I take full responsibility for all my actions but this incident boils down to being a lonely girl looking for love. 

IM SORRY :( 

& I love you.

-your niece, your daughter, one of your best friends

Dyamond. 

Thats was June 5th 2011

AFTER PART:

March 20th 2012

That’s the end. I went to get tested and my doctor laughed at me and a week later she told me I was perfectly healthy. She told me I was losing so much weight from stressing.  People are going to judge me, and think what they want. But if you’re that person who is willing to sit there and judge me your critiques better be accurate and not on some hater shit. People keep telling me I’m strong.. I’m average. God wouldn’t put me through all this without reason. The reason: is to help other girls. People ask why I cut, well if you’re still wondering, learn how to fucking read. Nobody’s perfect. So I hope now when you see me deny how “pretty/beautiful” I am, know it’s not to keep hearing it. I know I’m not alone, and I know there is people who had better childhoods than me. Good for you. Must be nice.. And although I’ve grown depressed, this isn’t a pity party. You all know most of my story, I hope nobody ever goes through things I’ve encounter. And there will be mockery of this probably but I’m satisfied knowing that I had the courage to tell my story rather than the girls who hates trying to scandalize me. 

I hadn’t cut myself in 2 months, and yesterday I relapsed and went crazy. My arm is cut up. All because her and friends were okay with putting my private business out in public for everybody to see and humiliate me. So I’ve learn I cut myself only when things aren’t in my control and when I’m angry. Words hurt. People’s acts of seeking attention hurt to. WORDS FUCKING HURT. Tearing someone down so you can convince yourself your better than them won’t cut it. These girls have seen me at my weakest and they even laugh at my pain. Well they just make me even more motivated to stay true and do things as I please. I made mistakes, I cleaned up and I’m starting to find happiness.